Hello, Me [ 2005-05-13, 7:34 p.m. ]

The right way to leave your spouse? Pack your shit. Run. Fast.
The wrong way to leave your spouse? Everything I�ve done thus far for the sake of behaving with maturity and in the best interest of others.

Where to start? *drums fingers*

*drum*
*drum*
*drum*

My husband and I separated in February. What�s that you ask? Why, YES, I do like to start on high notes. I have written somewhere else until this point. I decided to start new, you know, like I�m doing with my life. Ok, honestly I don�t want the husband reading about my new life. I would have been more than happy to stay put where I was. I liked it there. But I suppose everything has a shelf life if I take my marriage as any indicator. So if you are skimming me for the first time�Welcome! And if I�ve directed you over here all secret agent like�Thanks for following!

There�s the desire to write about all that has happened in the last few months or so. Then there is an even stronger urge never to type a word of it. You know �cause I�m a big fat walking contradiction, yo! I�ve decided to compromise. Here is a quick and extremely vague account of recent events:

Marriage went down the shitter. (Not so much recent. That took years.)
Husband did something unforgivably stupid and scary.
I forced him to leave.
I was one foot and nine-tenths of the other foot out the door anyway, and I absolutely refuse to find myself in that position again, so I decided to call it quits.
Husband bullied his way back into �my house, too!� and we are now sharing space until the school year ends for our girls.

We have been playing the �let�s be friends� game although friendship was not one of our strengths the entirety of our marriage. However, I�m willing to play because we have children and achieving any level of friendship is the best possible outcome. I keep expecting some sort of War of the Roses re-enactment shit to start going down any second�but so far, all is calm and adult-like if not extremely uncomfortable at moments.

We have a contract on the house and next week we close on it. I am sharing a home with him until mid-June. At that time, we will finally part ways.

We�ve been busy getting the house ready for our moving off in different directions. I should say I�ve been trying to get it ready. He�s mostly been talking. I spent eight years pulling conversation out of him in the same manner a dentist yanks a tooth and NOW he wants to rehash everything to death.

I�m sleeping in the spare room. It�s not as terrible as I thought it would be. The room is tiny but somehow reminds me of the room I would have wanted as a teenager. As I know that the arrangement is temporary, I am able to embrace the lack of space. I have a painting that I fell in love with several months ago (and bought at a steal) and my yummy, yummy books. A quilt that I adore covers the full size bed. I do wish I had the area to move my computer desk in so that I could write more. My notebooks accumulate as much dust as my VCR and not having privacy with my precious computer is driving me mad. Without the ability to write at the pace my brain works, craziness starts seeping in and poisoning my ability to behave in a rational manner. I should have bought a laptop. At this moment, I think that is the least of the should haves I need to be worrying about.

It is at this point of my life that I ought to be feeling fear, dread, depression, anxiety. I have absolutely no sense of dread. If anything, I feel relief. Relief at finally making a decision that is good for me. I know that there is a better, healthier way to be living life and I am determined to find it. Any fear that I have of the unknown, especially never having really lived on my own and never experiencing the life of a single mom, is being converted, magically it seems, by some freakish part of my consciousness into anticipation and optimism. I think I used up my allowance of depression and anxiety the years preceding our separation.

I look forward to exploring different avenues that I have blown off in an attempt to twist who I am to suit another person. I look forward to feeling relaxed and�happy. I want to wake up with a good stretch and a smile on my face. I look forward to laughter. I so much long to hear uninhibited laughter that my whole being is craving it. I want to be me again and get to know the person I have ignored all of this time.

This will be my new home. I welcome you to drop in anytime. Please, ignore the mess.

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