There is someone new in my life. Years of curiosity finally won out. I�m risking my greatest friendship for love. I'm not sure how to start this one. I�m scared shitless. Not so much because I�ve fallen for him. Not so much because I just left my marriage to The Ass a little over six months ago and I�m still quite jaded. Not so much because he has the ability to shatter my tired heart into a million little pieces. I�m scared shitless because I�ve never allowed anyone close enough to break my heart. Don�t get me wrong. I loved The Ass. We were together for eight years so I must have loved him enough to stay even though most of those years were very lonely. If he had left me or betrayed me, I would have been angry and hurt. But I wouldn�t have been devastated. I have opened myself up to total and complete devastation. Not that I believe him capable of hurting me. But the possibility is terrifying. There are no guarantees in love and relationships. There are too many variables and what ifs. Even scarier? What if I hurt him? The risk is something to be expected but I�m not just risking my heart here. Or his heart. I�m risking a long-standing close friendship. We�ve known each other for years and our friendship is not the kind you fuck with.
Along with learning to completely open myself up to the possibility of that level of pain and a whole new level of intimacy with another person, I�m also learning to be totally honest with myself. No more living in denial. I promised myself that. Although I never really allowed myself to fully entertain the fantasy (not really), a part of me realizes that this relationship is and was unavoidable. Allow me a moment to be completely cheesy and cliched. We are like peas and carrots. Never mind that. I never really liked the combo of peas and carrots. How bland. It�s not suitable. Hmm...chocolate and caramel? Chips and salsa? Harry and Sally? Okay, anyone who knows me can slap me later for that last suggestion. My point is that our personalities have always been magnetic. We mesh very nicely together. He sees straight through the b.s. and knows who I am. I�m completely comfortable with him. That was wonderful when we were just friends but now it has a different dimension to it. There is no hiding behind walls with him, therefore, taking me completely out of my relationship comfort zone. (So I�m comfortable with him but yet not quite as comfortable with that level of intimacy in a relationship. It�s an odd paradox.) We both have odd and quirky sense of humors. My jokes don�t fall dead and lifeless when he�s around. When others are staring at me blankly and moving on with conversation, he�s laughing. I could love him forever for that alone. I�ve always been attracted to him but did a fantastic job of burying the sexual...curiosity. I am the Queen of Denial. And if he thought about me like that over the years, he achieved an academy award winning performance in hiding it.
And now? Now I simply can�t get enough of him. Of us. I can�t get enough of our rambling conversations about nothing and everything all at once. I can�t get enough of his arms around me and the way my head fits in that perfect place in his shoulder. There can�t possibly ever be enough of the sound of our laughter. I love the way he seems to snatch the thoughts straight out of my head and speak them out loud. I can�t get enough of the way he looks at me as if I am the only person in the world capable of making him feel passion. I like to believe that I am the first to receive this look but my rational brain realizes this can't be anywhere near the truth and I feel intense jealousy at the thought of him sharing that look with anyone else. Me! Jealous! I've always spoken out passionately against the evil that is jealousy. Now I'm jealous over not a major transgression but the mere possibility of him sharing a look with another woman. Do you see what has happened to me? I'm open to devastation. Now I am left to figure out whether I am being brave by chancing the possibility of major pain or if I never had a choice as this relationship feels completely unavoidable. What I do know is that I would never be able to live with myself for letting the fear take over and scaring me away from the greatest person to ever happen to me.
The way I see it, I get the best of both worlds. I get to feel and explore love, incredible passion and lust with the one person that I�ve always been the most comfortable and at ease. I may be scared. I may be completely out of my comfort zone. I may have opened myself up to complete devastation and the loss of a fantastic friendship. But I�ve also allowed myself to achieve a level of intimacy, hope and happiness I�ve never experienced before and, quite honestly, didn�t believe existed.